The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
