I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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