I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
