we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
