im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
