all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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