Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
