i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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