Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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