I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We left the knife in your bed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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