That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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