Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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