my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
