I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
