so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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