when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My ass is underappreciated
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
