She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Life is so much better after having sex.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
