I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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