the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
