I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
