Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
