Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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