btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
