So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
