Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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