My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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