All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
