i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
