Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
