I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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