I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
