I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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