He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
