She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
