I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
