She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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