i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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