my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
