well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
