shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
