Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
