he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
this beer tastes like vomit already
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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