I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
