I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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