matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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