That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
