she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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