im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I deserve this hangover.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
