we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
