Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
